Saturday, March 21, 2020

Anxiety Is A Super Power


I re-started this blog for the fourth time a few weeks ago. At that time we were living in one world, now we are living in another. A few weeks ago I was ramping up the number of classes I was taking at North End Yoga and considering a Pilates training, I'd never heard the term social distancing, and I was bemoaning the fact that I had to choose a bouquet for my wedding. I didn't care about the bouquet. I was annoyed I had to make this decision. You're Winston's. Just pick something and hand it to me. I'll love it. I'm only gonna hold the thing for 30 seconds. OH MY how things have changed.  

I left the house yesterday at 7am for the first time in six days to go to the grocery store with Doug for us and my parents. I wore rubber gloves and got it done as fast as I could. Doug left my parents' groceries in their condo building's garage for them to retrieve after he'd left. I washed and dried everything we bought for us before putting it away. I ripped all my clothes off when I was done and washed them and took a hot hot shower. North End Yoga is temporarily closed, my wedding is postponed until October 3rd, and I am a master of social distancing. It's a weird, weird time to be a person.

I don't feel all that bad for myself here, though. I have it easy. I'm a bit sad to have postponed our wedding, but honestly it took one email to our venue, one email to our guests, one email to the masterful Judy who is working on my dress, and a few more emails to our photographer to move the whole thing. Not a heavy lift. Doug still wants to marry me and I still want to marry him. All good. I have a steady job for the time being. I know how to cook. I have money for food. I have a billion different ways to exercise in my home. I feel good about where my parents are living and am able to easily get them anything they need without putting them at risk. Doug can drive to work and avoid the T. There are people out there who are suddenly unemployed and wondering how they will feed their children. Friends who own wonderful small businesses are wondering how their businesses will survive. If I were to cry all that much about this I'd be a real asshole.

That said, I have pretty terrible anxiety. I don't feel sorry for myself, but I am WORRIED. Clinically. I see a therapist once a week. I dabbled in the Zoloft world for a bit a couple years ago and then decided I preferred a more natural route: yoga, CBD, having a partner who lets me freak out without judgement. Initially I felt a bit embarrassed about my anxiety with regard to the coronavirus. I felt that those around me were looking at me like I was nuts - because they were. I felt like people thought I was majorly overreacting - because they did. How you like me now?

I'm over it. I won't openly hold grudges. But I've decided that this is the anxious person's time to shine. Anxiety is a super power right now. "Abundance of caution" is my JAM on a regular day, so if you need me to be extra careful right now I can play that game. I love rules. Six feet between me and others? Done. Telework if possible? Done. Avoid large gatherings? Done. Done before you even asked. I got this. As worriers we are frequently left to feel like foolish overreacting weirdos. Not now, my friends. It sucks, but welcome to your finest hour. Let's overreact. 

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